By Beth E. Stanton, EAA 1076326
The plan was to keep the date of my checkride a secret. If I bombed, I wouldn’t have to disclose that fact to the world. When I passed, it would be a happy surprise. July 11, 2011, the day I earned my wings (on the first try) was the proudest moment of my life.
My buddy and EAA colleague Sara Nisler embarked upon earning her private pilot certificate last year. She has been chronicling her trials, tribulations, and triumphs on social media. We’ve all been following along, cheering her on. As we watched the ups and downs of her journey, we lived vicariously and relived our own memories of learning to fly.
At one point, doubt and negative self-talk began to take a toll on Sara. She wrote, “I need to stop putting so many expectations, timelines and pressures on this. I’m currently so stressed out about my flight training, it’s not much fun and it’s pushing me away from it.”
Oh honey, I thought, we have so all been there. I emailed her an essay I’d written entitled “Ode to 168 Landings” about how I had almost quit partway through flight training from frustration and the fact that I believed I did not have the ability to learn how to fly.
It’s always such a relief when we discover that we are not the only one who struggles. This realization helps bolster courage and shore up determination to continue.
A few days ago, I was delighted to see on Facebook a beaming Sara standing next to her airplane and designated pilot examiner. She had just passed her checkride! I texted her congratulations right away. I wrote, IF YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING! She replied, “I don’t believe it actually.”
Suddenly, I remembered I had felt the same way. After the adrenaline and sweat of the checkride dried, I was left in a stunned, surreal state. I had actually achieved this goal, a goal that had seemed so elusive just months ago. I felt simultaneously elated, exhausted, and a little bit lost.
To help process this feeling, I had written (as I am wont to do) about it. I shot Sara back a text that said, “I’ll have to send you another thing that I wrote after my checkride.” Good thing I write all this stuff down. You never know when it will come in handy to help someone out.
Two days post-checkride, I penned this essay after floating around feeling like the world had shifted on its axis. Little did I know then what wonders the past eight years had in store for me. Each morning I wake up eager for the new wonders.
“My footfall rang in a universe that was not theirs.”
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand and Stars
Everything is changed now, somehow different. Pinpointing the exact quality and quantity of this shift proves elusive.
Is it the small grief of achieving a long-sought goal? The inevitable “now what?” that closely follows? When sights are pegged so long to a particular star, choosing the next navigation point can bewilder.
I do not rush to fill the void. I revel in the in-between times. Times when you have left one place, but have not yet arrived at another. A state of suspended animation, set apart from the mundane, filled with pure potentiality. The future hours and days are hidden, bursting to reveal their novelty.
This time-out-of-time can happen during metamorphosis, immersion in the sublime, or being transported in any way: by actual travel, by being stunned by beauty, art, or the natural world.
So here I exist. I have achieved a near-impossible goal and feel rather numb with semi-disbelief. I am a pilot, vetted and certified. Now begins the process of owning it. To fly on my own, make my own decisions, feel the weight of the awesome responsibility that has been entrusted to me. No longer a student, but a card-carrying member of the tribe of aviators.
This is an in-between time. I feel not quite who I was, but not yet whom I will be. For now, I will be content to simply marvel at it all.
Beth E. Stanton, EAA 1076326, flies an experimental Lazer in aerobatic competition and is a director of Northern California Chapter 38 of the International Aerobatic Club. She can be reached at bethestanton@gmail.com. For more from Beth, read the Innovation section each month in EAA Sport Aviation.